Rumours are running through the sleepy town of Loughborough that the Charnwood Chronicle will this week report some news. 
An insider has given us a document which appears to be a news report and is denser than a poem written by John Ashbery or the assembly instructions for a bookshelf from Ikea.
The Charnwood Chronicle is a tabloid form of old media for Loughborough and the surrounding empire that is made for moms who feel that they don’t have enough drama, scandal or boredom in their shallow little lives. Tabloids can be irritating to the touch and to the eyes and depend on Churnalists to regurgitate press releases as news. Tabloids are a magnet for shallow morons are are typically comprised of:
70% advertisements
25% articles relating to Maddalene McCann
5% mistakes.
This is typically combined with bullshit to make something you would rather throw away than keep.
The document was given to the great aunt of the proprietor’s gay lover who said: “I’m nearly sixty and have never come across such a thing before. However I’ve never been nearly sixty before so that might be what is influencing my opinion and it might be different if I was nearly 70”.
We then passed the document in our possession, which in our opinion was avowedly apolitical and in our possession bereft of any substantial content to the inLoughborough food critic who said: “If this was a meal it would taste of despondency, depression and a big dollop of despair which would necessitate a veritable period of vomiting afterwards”.
He then went to a restaurant and wouldn’t answer his mobile.
A controversial stall at Loughborough’s Wednesday market has been shut down. The stall, “Danny’s DNA Emporium” has become a regular feature and has done a surprising large amount of trade. 
The stall sells second hand items such as used drinks cans, cigarette butts, tissues and hairs. The one thing all these items have in common is that they are contaminated with peoples DNA and fingerprints. For an additional cost you can buy matched sets of items, such as a bottle with fingerprints on, a hair and a piece of chewing gum, all of which have come from the same person. Then there is the variety pack which is guaranteed to contain DNA from 50 different people.
We spoke to the store owner, Danny about his reasons for setting up the stall, he said: “Well I got a lot of dodgy mates aint I. An when they do a job it’s good to leave someone else’s DNA at the crime scene innit. This confuses the ^&*( out of the police, makes a complete mockery of the national DNA database and effectively removes the ‘beyond reasonable doubt’ out the equation should they get collared for it. But like I sell it for novelty purposes only. It’s well fat”
He went on to explain where he gets the ‘contaminated’ items from. Apparently it comes from complete strangers. He spends a lot of time at bus stops, railway stations, fast food restaurants waiting for people to through away rubbish or dropping cigarette ends. He then discretely collects the items for his Loughborough based business.
“Its like money for old rope, except its old cans of drinks” he laughed. “But someone somewhere doesn’t like what I am doing and my Market Traders Licence has been revoked. However I’ve already set myself up as a seller on Ebay so I’m not to concerned.”
Someone else was unavailable for comment.
News has just reached the inLoughborough team that something has happened. The last time something happened in Loughborough was 1786 when a stranger visited and was stared at by locals.
This caused such a commotion at the time that the Loughborough Times rushed it to the press and with their typical urgency akin to dry rot spreading over preservative treated timber, and finally reported it in 1812. Unfortunately as the stranger was only in the town for a few hours it was impossible for the Loughborough Times Oil Painter to capture more than a rough sketch of what the stranger looked like.
Patricia, whose father and brother Albert witnessed the event said at the time: “M’duck”.
What the latest happening is has yet to be ascertained however the Market Place is in shock with emergency services are attending at the scene. St Johns Ambulance have deployed their Major Incident Plan and are currently deploying emergency mints to all those effected. People are wandering around the town centre like herds of cattle on valium.
One bystander told a news team: “I don’t know what has happened, but I can’t believe it has happened here. If it was done by someone then we never suspected it would be them. I think something ought to be done to prevent what ever happened happening again. It’s terrible that they allowed this sort of thing to happen. I’m just glad that God, who allowed it to happen, stopped it from happening to me. What ever it was”
We tried to call a police spokesman to ascertain more information on what happened however we forgot to.
It is anticipated that this incident will be talked about for minutes to come and it will go down in Loughborough’s history as the second time something happened.
A person who cooks steaks said: “Yes”.
Another person said “Mmm”.
Whilst going through the site analytics for the websites that I administer I noticed one particular user cropping up rather a lot. Drilling down into the data found that this particular user had created over 4,000 hits in the directory that was my flat mates blog. 4,697 to be completely honest since August 2007. Assuming that there was approximately 10 hits per page and 5 pages accessed per visit that mean about 93 visits over a 7 month period, or once every three days.
In comparison they had visited my blog 10 times in the same time period.
Whilst this might not be of concern if it was some random person the other side of the world, it transpires, using some internet wizardry, it was both mine and their ex.
Remembering my Psychology days (well actually doing a quick internet search because my memory isn’t that good anymore – I blame the fillings in my teeth and early onset Alzheimer’s disease) it turns out that the pathology of this is typical in stalkers who suffer several characteristics such as being devoid of empathy (that fits) are unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others (definitely fits);
I feel a closer watch of the log files coming on to see if the behaviour continues. However that said it is difficult to decide what to do. Reading someone’s blog frequently is not an illegal activity, however behaviour as such is a bit disturbing to say the least. The police probably wouldn’t be interested. The direct approach telling them to do something to themselves probably wont work. A word with their parents about the situation might inflame the situation, not that I really care. Blocking them is also an option, however it would be difficult to block them as they could use a different computer.
I’m going to have to think about this one.
Last weekend we went out in Loughborough to say good bye to our neighbours Adi & Helly who are moving away from the area to live in sunny Suffolk.