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Congestion Charge for Loughborough Cyclists
Posted on 01/04/2008
A. Fool
In a shock move by Loughborough Municipal Council cyclists will have to pay a congestion charge from today as the pilot scheme is introduced.
Riding a bike is an excellent way to quickly go downhill. It has also been suggested that going uphill on one may be effective at reducing fattiness but this has not been confirmed outside of the Playstation game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. It is also a great way to get your face fucked up or even die, especially if you play chicken with cars like a retard. Beyond this the bike serves little purpose other than to make the rider look poor/dumb/???.
It has been identified that cyclists in a town environment considerably reduce the speed of car drivers. They accomplish this by wobbling, weaving, coming up on the inside when you want to turn left, failing to signal, pulling out unexpectantly, wearing distracting clothing (tights on men, whats that about?) and generally travelling slowly.
The result, vehicles that can travel comfortably at over 100mph through Loughborough are reduced to wobbling bicycle speed. This reduces the efficiency of the cars engine, causing more petrol to be consumed, creating more greenhouse gases, creating more land to be changed from food production to bio-fuel production and finally global annihilation and the extinction of the human species.
Daily permits to enter Loughborough town centre by bike will be available from the permit office in London each morning for that day. Permits cost £250 for the day although a 5% discount is available for a years season ticket.
Cyclists travelling through Loughborough in future will have to stop at various checkpoints to have their permits checked. Any person not stopping at a check point will be made to walk.
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