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Loughborough Police Cell Comfort
Posted on 01/04/2008
A. Fool
Since the police cells at Loughborough police station were upgraded last year there has been an increasing problem. The prisoners like them too much.
“It’s like a hotel” said one inmate on his release. He continued: “In fact when I am in the area on business I no longer check into a hotel. I just find a police man, question his parentage and I get locked up for the night. It’s always clean and room service is just a push of the button away. The only down side is that they tend to kick you out early so they don’t have to give you breakfast.”
However not all people are happy with the situation. One police officer said off the record (but whose badge number is 45445458669877559678): “If there were any trouble makers in the good old days they used to tie the prisoner to a cart and give them some lashes in the Market Place. However we haven’t been able to do that since they turned the CCTV cameras on at night in March.”
However the new cells in Loughborough with their state of the art monitoring systems have not been without fault. A sensor emitting microwaves is supposed to monitor activity in the cells so if a prisoner has stopped breathing an alarm can be raised.
However due to a miss calibration it actually cooked three prisoners. Rather than fixing the equipment the Police in Loughborough are now using this cell to heat there lunches up without having to go to the canteen. Coincidentally this cell also housed the person who recently confessed to all unsolved crimes in the Borough of Charnwood since 1432.
However the Police are tackling the situation head on. Plans to make the cells less comfortable include removing the porn channels from the satellite TV system, not placing complimentary chocolates on the pillows and forgetting reminder calls.